Years into my healing, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks: I had married my mother.
My mother was dominant, and she was psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive. My father was passive, avoidant, and didn't stand up for himself. That's what I watched growing up, so that's who I learned a man is. My ex-wife grew up with the same pair: a dominant, abusive mother and a passive, avoidant father. She learned that's how a woman treats a man. I learned that's how a man gets treated. We each found the other half of the pattern we already knew. You can read more in My Story.
Why we choose what's familiar
As children, we learn what love looks like from the people who raise us. That becomes our map, even when the map is painful. As adults, we're often drawn to partners who feel familiar, and familiar can feel like "home," even when it's the same hurt we grew up with.
This isn't a conscious choice. It's programming. And it can run through a family for generations: a grandparent's pattern becomes a parent's, then becomes yours, until someone sees it.
Signs you may be repeating a family pattern
- Your partner reminds you of one of your parents, in how they treat you or how they argue.
- You find yourself acting like your other parent: giving in, going quiet, keeping the peace.
- The relationship feels painfully familiar, even when it hurts.
- You've had more than one relationship with the same dynamic.
- You defend or excuse behaviour you'd never accept for a friend, because it feels normal.
Why this is so hard to face
It's one thing to see what a partner did to you. It's another to see that you chose someone who felt familiar, and that what felt familiar was abuse. Many people aren't ready to face that they married their mother or their father, or that their own parents hurt them. That's okay. It's different for everyone, and it comes when it comes.
Breaking the pattern
Seeing the pattern is what lets you be the one who breaks it. For me, that meant:
- Naming it without blame. My parents were living out what was handed to them, just like I was.
- Working on my side of it. Learning boundaries, speaking up, and stopping the habit of giving in. Self-forgiveness helped me release the shame.
- Calming old reactions. Tapping helped with the childhood feelings that came up.
- Choosing new principles. The Principles for Living gave me a different map to live by.
If you're ready to look deeper
- In what ways is my partner, or my ex, like one of my parents?
- Which parent did I learn to be like? What role did I take on without choosing it?
- What did I learn growing up about how a man, or a woman, should be treated?
Go gently. These questions can bring up a lot. Tools like tapping and self-forgiveness, or a good therapist, can help you work through what comes up.