If you're a man and something in your relationship feels wrong, but "abuse" sounds like too strong a word, I understand. I felt exactly the same way. Men are taught to be strong, to handle it, to keep the peace. So when the person hurting us is our wife or partner, we tell ourselves it's just a hard marriage.
It isn't weakness to name it. It's the first step out.
Signs you may be in an abusive relationship
- You're constantly corrected about your own memory: "That's not how it happened."
- You're shut out or given the silent treatment when you disagree.
- You're put down or mocked, sometimes in front of your kids or friends.
- Going out with friends turns into such a fight that you've stopped going.
- You're blamed for money problems while being pushed into decisions you can't afford.
- Your phone, messages or calls are checked.
- Affection and intimacy feel like rewards for behaving the right way.
- Your health has gone downhill and you can't explain why.
- Friends and family have pulled away, after hearing only her side.
Why men don't talk about it
- Shame: "A real man wouldn't let this happen."
- Disbelief: people laugh it off, or assume the man must be the problem.
- Fear of losing the kids: many men stay quiet because they're afraid of what speaking up will cost them as fathers.
- No one to tell: isolation is part of the abuse, so by the time you need support, it's often gone.
- It feels normal: if you grew up watching your father get treated this way, it may not even look like abuse. That was true for me. See Did I Marry My Mother?
What it was like for me
For two years, she was everything I'd hoped for. Then we got engaged, and the yes became a forceful no. For more than 20 years I was gaslit, shut out, put down and isolated. I went from a strong, active man to someone who couldn't walk for two minutes without stopping. I didn't call it abuse. I called it my life. Read the whole story in My Story.
Help is for men too
Domestic abuse help lines take calls from men, and they take emotional and psychological abuse seriously. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) helps everyone. In the UK, the Men's Advice Line is just for men. More on Get Help Now.
Where to start healing
- Name it. Read the signs in Types of Abuse, especially psychological and emotional abuse.
- Tell one person. A friend, a doctor, a help line. Breaking the silence breaks the isolation.
- Take your power back. Your Wish Is Your Command is where I learned I had the power to change my life.
- Calm your body. Tapping helped me more than I can say.
- If you're a father being pushed out of your kids' lives, read Parental Alienation.
Shadow work: questions to journal
- What did I learn growing up about what a man should put up with?
- Where have I been "keeping the peace" at my own expense?
- If my son or a close friend were treated the way I am, what would I tell him?
Owning your patterns never means owning their abuse.