15 signs of a controlling relationship

Control rarely starts with a big, obvious moment. It starts small: a comment about your friends, a question about what you spent, a sulk when you go out. Each one is easy to explain away. Together, over years, they can take over your whole life.

That's what happened to me. Going out with friends became such a fight that I stopped going. My emails and texts were read. Money problems were always my fault. I didn't call it control. I called it "keeping the peace."

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that slowly takes away your freedom, your confidence and your connection to other people, so that the other person ends up running your life. It doesn't need to involve hitting. It works through rules, fear, guilt, monitoring and isolation.

It's taken seriously enough that several places now treat it as a crime, including England and Wales, Scotland, Ireland and parts of Australia. In the US, Connecticut and California were among the first states to recognize it in law, and Canada has been debating a bill (Bill C-16) that would make it a criminal offence. You don't need a law to tell you it's wrong, but it helps to know you're not imagining it.

15 signs

Your time and people

1. They don't like your friends or family, and seeing them always causes a fight.
2. They need to know where you are, all the time, and get angry if you don't answer.
3. They check your phone, email or messages, or expect your passwords.
4. They make plans for you without asking, or cancel yours.

Your money

5. They control the money, or make you account for every purchase.
6. They blame you for money problems, while making big money decisions themselves.
7. They stop you working, or make your work so difficult that you give up.

Your mind

8. They make the rules, and the rules keep changing.
9. They criticize how you dress, talk, eat or parent, often "for your own good."
10. They rewrite what happened until you doubt your own memory. That's gaslighting.
11. They punish you with silence, sulking or withdrawing affection. (See Is the silent treatment abuse?)
12. Affection becomes a reward for doing what they want.

Your safety and sense of self

13. They threaten: to leave, to take the kids, to hurt themselves, or to tell people things about you.
14. They turn people against you with half-truths, so you have no one left to turn to.
15. You feel like you're walking on eggshells, and you've lost track of who you used to be.

One of these on a bad day isn't coercive control. Many of them, over time, is.

Why it's so hard to see from the inside

Control works because it's gradual, and because it usually comes mixed with good times. It also tends to feel normal if you grew up with it. I didn't recognize it for years because it was exactly what I'd watched as a child (more on that in Did I marry my mother?).

And here's something I wish someone had told me: when you start standing up for yourself, the control often gets tighter, not looser. That's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign the pattern is being challenged.

First steps

1. Write down what's happening, with dates, somewhere private and safe. Not to win an argument, but so you can trust what you see.
2. Reconnect with one safe person. Isolation is the engine of control.
3. Get some money that's only yours, if you safely can. See Financial abuse.
4. Protect your phone and accounts. Our Browse safely page and Technological abuse explain how.
5. Make a safety plan before making big changes. Leaving or confronting a controlling partner can make things more dangerous. A support line can help you plan: Get Help Now.
6. Start rebuilding yourself, a little every day. That's what the tools on this site are for.

Frequently asked questions