Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour that wears down your sense of self: your confidence, your memory and your feeling of being safe. It rarely leaves a mark you can point to, which is exactly why so many people live with it for years without a name for it. I did, for more than 20.
These are the signs people most often miss. One or two on a bad day don't make a relationship abusive. A pattern of many of them, over time, does.
How it feels from the inside
- You walk on eggshells. You plan what you say, and when, to avoid a reaction.
- You feel relief when they're not home. The house feels lighter when they're out.
- You apologize for things you didn't do, just to make the tension stop.
- You doubt your own memory. You replay conversations, trying to work out what really happened.
- You feel like you're never enough. Not smart enough, attractive enough, or grateful enough.
- You've stopped sharing good news, because it gets dismissed, or turned into something about them.
- You feel exhausted most of the time, even when you sleep.
What they do
- The silent treatment. Days of coldness as punishment, without saying what's wrong.
- Criticism disguised as jokes, followed by "You're too sensitive" when it hurts.
- Withdrawing affection when you don't do what they want, then giving it back when you comply.
- Rewriting history. "That never happened." "I never said that." (This is gaslighting.)
- Blame-shifting. Whatever goes wrong becomes your fault, even their own behaviour.
- Moving the goalposts. You meet the standard, and the standard changes.
- Contempt. Eye-rolling, sighing, mocking your interests or your beliefs.
- Keeping score, of your mistakes, never their own.
- Hot and cold. Loving and warm one day, cold and cutting the next, so you never know which person you'll get.
Control that doesn't look like control
- Isolation, slowly. Your friends are "a bad influence", your family is "toxic", and seeing them causes so much trouble that you stop.
- Monitoring. Checking your phone, email or location, and calling it caring.
- Money as a leash. Questioning every purchase, or making you ask for what you need. (More in financial abuse.)
- Your growth is a threat. A course, a new friend or a spiritual path gets mocked, or called brainwashing.
- Decisions are made for you, "because you'd get it wrong."
What it does to you over time
- You've lost touch with who you were before the relationship.
- Your body is keeping score: headaches, stomach problems, tension, or illness that doctors can't explain.
- You defend them to others, and explain away things you'd never accept for a friend.
- You've started to believe what they say about you.
Why it's so hard to see
Emotional abuse almost never starts on day one. It usually starts after a wonderful beginning, when you're already committed. It grows slowly, so each step feels normal compared to the one before. And if you grew up with something similar, it may simply feel like home. That's what happened to me: the way I was treated felt normal, because it was normal in both of our families. I write about that in Did I Marry My Mother?.
If this sounds familiar
- Trust what you're noticing. You don't need proof that would convince anyone else.
- Write it down, privately and safely. Dates and what was said help you trust your own memory.
- Talk to someone outside the relationship: a friend, a counsellor, or a help line. Help lines take emotional abuse seriously, for women and men.
- Read more: Emotional abuse explains the patterns in depth, and the healing tools are what helped me recover.
If you're in danger right now, go to Get Help Now.
Free: The Hidden Abuse Checklist
40 signs across all 10 types of hidden abuse, on two printable pages, with your next three steps. Private, and nothing to sign up for.